Having lived in Key West, I am familiar with panhandlers. I was just standing at the meat counter in the back of the Palm Springs grocery store. I was not ready for what happened.
"Excuse me sir, I have never really done this before. I am in trouble. I have a family emergency in Long Beach, and my car is out of gas. I don't have anywhere to turn. (His eyes welled with tears.)"
He then proceeded to ramble on about what I think was a suggestion that I give him the money I was going to spend on groceries. He seemed to also offer to carry my groceries to my car, although I was not sure how that fit in. Apparently, after giving him cash, I could charge my groceries. But this was all very confused. I did not understand a bit of this part of our conversation.
"I am sorry, I don't understand what you are saying."
"I don't know how I could ever pay you back, but I promise to try."
I am pretty much conditioned to just walk away from such people. So I looked down, told him I could not help, and walked away. I assumed that would be the end of it.
Dennis was in another part of the store, and when he got back to our cart, I told him what had happened. He decided that the manager should be told that there was a panhandler bothering people in the back of the store. I soon saw the young man walk quickly out of the store and into the evening haze. I cannot get him out of my mind.
The man was really just a boy. He was barely into his 20's. His clothes were tattered, but he was cleaned up and not offensive in any manner. There was a haunting genuineness in his eyes. He was younger than my own children.
After we had paid for our groceries and headed for our car, I scoured the parking lot but could see no sign of him. I had an all encompassing feeling that I had left something undone; that I had missed an opportunity; that I had significantly departed from some core belief I knew I had, but could not retrieve at the time.
Dennis is still convinced that the boy was on drugs and was looking for money for more. Even that revelation did not assuage my uneasiness. As crazy as it seems, I found myself struggling with some remote boyhood church lesson that I would never again be sure whether this had been my opportunity to help one of God's angels, or even Jesus himself.
I am quite aware that even writing such a thing will get listed in my "I have spent too long in a motor home" column of my life's analysis.
Could all this be coming from my long ago idealism that as a new teacher there was not any young person who I could not help?
If he had been dirty, unshaven and drunk would I have even reflected on the experience? No matter, he was none of those things. Had I missed an opportunity to help someone far beyond an empty gas tank or even a drug problem? How could I have actually teared up during our new President Obama's call for us to do our part to help each other, and still have turned my back on this boy?
In my career, I had argued toe-to-toe with big city mayors and negotiated with the nation's largest cable companies, yet this young man had reduced me to looking at the floor and mumbling something nonsensical about not being able to help. What was the source of this boy's power over me?
What was my hurry? It was not as if I had some urgent appointment to which I had to run. I had failed this boy. I had failed myself.
I may remain haunted by this boy for a long time. As for now, all I do know is that as an individual whose life is so blessed, I plan to no longer just step over those whose lives are not so blessed. I know I can next time respond with compassion, conversation, and even guidance without falling victim to some grand scam.
I know I will not solve any of life's problems. That is not the goal. Dennis and I have changed the perceptions of many people regarding our relationship, one person at a time, by living our life together with integrity and honesty.
I see no reason why embracing the same integrity and honesty in any such future encounter could not also positively effect a life. I will be none the less for trying.
And what about the possibility of encountering one of God's angels in disguise? Well, aren't we each one of God's angels? Aren't we all?
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T, I just want to let you know I've had the same experience with nearly the same story three times and each time it was AT MY FRONT DOOR after 9PM. The same guy showed up at my door twice! The first time he came by I couldn't understand what he was saying but I made out that he had a family emergency and was needed in Eagan. I started giving him directions and by his obvious frustration with ME, I came to realize he was asking for money to get there. He reappeared at my door about a week later, obviously having forgotten he'd been there before and gave me pretty much the same story, except this time his wife was having a baby. This second time he didn't knock; it was my dog's barking that brought me to the front door and there he was, rocking away on the porch chair in the dark. Really creepy.
So, two men, same story, three times. This is the new sob story. I'm not saying folks aren't hurting for money and perhaps it's not a drug issue, though I could barely understand the first two encounters, but they are definitely panhandling and I'm certain there are not that many "family emergencies" and I know I don't want them knocking on my door anymore. It scares the crap out of me.
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